What am I supposed to do? it's like i am in limbo right now.. and i don't even know what I am waiting for... There is this empty feeling inside me where i am just going through the motions in this life. I get up.. i go to work. i come home. i feed the dogs. i feed my husband. then go to sleep. nothing special nothing exciting. And it's not like i dont like my life. Perhaps there are more things i want to do.. maybe i am looking for things to fill my time... i take woodshop which i haven't been to for six weeks now. i am trying to use up all the yarn i have. i try to make some crafts but i always stop in the middle of them for some reason. still that expectation of finishing some project looms on - a problem i've had with all my art... why can't i just sit and make art? i feel i want to express myself but i am being held back. and it is them same with my life... there is something i want to do but I dont know what it is... i thought it was having children... but after this last failure i just want to give up. what is the point in bringing in children into this world? my husband thinks i am just upset but i dont think so anymore... maybe i just have to decide to live my life for me. to take time to go take art classes and not be stuck here waiting for something that is never going to happen. my heart is empty now. there is no point in doing anything for the future anymore becuase there is no future. I am old now and it will be just me and my husband. in our little house.. no need for a bigger house now. no need to move .. no need to decorate one room- just turn in into my art studio. no need to build a swing set or toys for children. there is nothing anymore.
i should just sit here and write down everything going through my mind. how I used to believe that things happen for a reason but they don't. There is no god. my husband has been an athiest for a while.. me i did believe in a higher power or energy- a universal energy for life and continuity but no more. things will just end with us. my mother will be happy now- it will just make all of her children complete failures in her eyes. one in jail, one unmarried at 33. one in a loveless marriage and me with no future. what's the point then. why can't i be more of a go getter.. why do i let fear stop me? i applied for a job and they haven't called.. i doubt they will call.. since it has been a month. i am qualified for the job but i thought maybe for a reason things happened... but no... i get nothing. it is like this will never go away. It took me until 33 to get married... and then i knew that it was getting to late to have children. and i was right and now i wont have any. I dont regret giving up the other ones- those men were not right and they would have not been there and i would not have met my husband because things would be different. i dont think i would be happier or less happy.. just different. i think i will just get some kittens now. two- one for each of my puppies. i can go snowboarding this winter. i can travel where ever i want to. i can do what i want. becuase i am done. and now i am starting over- my goal to lose 40 lbs starts today. i will do what i can to try to fill this emptyniess inside of me but with what i dont know yet... kittens, and chickens.
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